What is Ghosting?

What is Ghosting? a reader asks…

Hi Chris, my teenage grand-daughter mystifies me! The other day she was crying and I asked her what was the matter. She mumbled something about being “ghosted’ and refused to tell me more. I’m sure these days kids are all doing stuff online, so I’m guessing this is an online thing. Can you tell me what it is?

Comfort your grand-daughter, her plight is very 21st century and very real. Ghosting is when someone you’re dating suddenly (and often inexplicably) stops communicating with you and/or just disappears. In addition to ‘unfriending’ and blocking phone calls and text messages, ghosting can cross into the real world. For example, that formerly special someone may instruct their office security to refuse to let the person enter their workplace, may stop going to the Starbucks they formerly shared, or may even move!

Unfortunately as online social engagement has advanced (at the expense of physical social engagement), people have gotten less…polite? about how they end a budding relationship. Online dating services and social apps can degrade anyone to being just a profile on an app and much less a real person. So when someone’s trying out dating people, they may move quickly on to the next profile in their Tinder (or other) app and unceremoniously dump the former one, without warning or any kind of gentle let-down.

Breaking up has never been easy, and the longer a relationship lasts, the more uncomfortable it is. When the relationship is young, say on the first few dates, a breakup today can be as quick and easy as a text message (not that I think this is the best way to handle it!), but more and more people are just dropping the ball completely when it comes to breaking up. Not answering or returning phone calls or text messages is just plain rude in my book, but it’s becoming more and more common. I think part of it may have to do with the changing definition of the term ‘relationship’. In today’s modern and fast-paced dating environment, on-the-go folks might feel that there’s really no relationship established until after more than a few dates. That’s still no excuse for being outright rude, but more and more (especially young) people are becoming desensitized to what older generations would simply call ‘good manners’.

So console your grand-daughter, and encourage her to move on. Teenage years are often full of angst – everything is highly dramatic – but the old adage that time heals all applies. In her case, all it may take is a new person to swing into view!